


KatNep Humanstuck Fanfiction Chapter 1

by drhomestuck, forever_doodling_tardises



Series: Office Work: A KatNep Humanstuck Fanfic [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Boss/Employee Relationship, F/M, Homestuck Format, Humanstuck, Jack in the Box, Muffins, Office, katnep - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2015-10-31
Packaged: 2018-01-19 11:03:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1467100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drhomestuck/pseuds/drhomestuck, https://archiveofourown.org/users/forever_doodling_tardises/pseuds/forever_doodling_tardises
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are Karkat.<br/>You hate your job. You hate People. You hate computers. You are human.<br/>Let's just say you have an, interesting life.<br/>WRITTEN IN HOMESTUCK FORMAT</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Your Name is Karkat.

You have a shitty boss at your shitty job in a shitty office with shitty pay. You have been working here for two whole hours. 

You already hate it.

"Karkat?" Your boss is talking to you. What do you do? SYSTEM OVERRIDE!

"What the hell do you want, fuckass?" You understand that this is not the way to treat your boss. You seriously don't give a shit. He doesn't seem affected by this comment. You sigh. "Mr. Egbert?"

"That's my boy." He pats you on the back, leaving his hand on your shoulder blade for an unnecessary amount of time. You peel his hand off.

"Not your boy." If this asshole did a better fucking job of acting like your dad all the time, you might just doubt that he's your age. His lungs are the ones delivering a sigh this time.

"How's your computer working? Good?" You turn towards him in your chair, mouth hanging open.

"What the fuck do you think?" IT WAS IN THAT FUCKING PAPER-THINGY YOU FILLED OUT. Bad with computers. Bad with technology in general actually. That's where your coworker, Sollux comes in. Dude's a fucking nerd. Lisp and all.

"Just ask Sollux, okay?" You leave him with no reply, and he leaves your cubicle. Mission compete.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEE!" A bubbly looking girl with bobbed black hair is speeding through the halls in her swervy chair. 

"WHEEEEEEEEE!" You ignore her disgusting squeals of delight and painfully, but barely, start to attempt to start up your computer. 

While you are frustratedly trying to figure out how the fuck to open the thing, the bubbly-bob chick inches back into your cubicle, still on her chair, propelling herself with her toes. She sits there for an unknown amount of time ( IT FELT LIKE FUCKING INFINITY), staring at you all bright-eyed-and-innocent until you finally look over at her.

"What. Do. You. Want." you say, as monotoned as possible, trying your hardest to get this bitch to go away. She stares at you blankly, and then a wide grin appears on her face.

"Hi! I'm Nepeta!"

"Hello, my name is Karkat, and i do not particularly enjoy enjoy social interactions. You are excused." She giggles.

"I'm gonna call you Karkitty." She giggles again. Before you can protest the use of this horrid nickname, she rolls out of your cubicle into the hallway. "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Jesus fuck," you mutter to yourself, "What kinda shit is she fucking on?" You shake your head. Fuck this shit. You, reluctantly, go back to your computer. The plug you've been toying with clicks into a hole and the screen starts to glow white. "AAAAAAAH! 

SOLLUX!" Sollux rolls into your cubicle on his chair, like Nepeta had.

"Yup?"

"SOLLUX! THE SCREEN! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE SCREEN?" Sollux looks at you with a crooked smile.

"It's turning on, dumbass." You frown.

"Then why is it all glowy?" He presses the space bar, and an account setup page turns up. "Fuck You." He laughs.

"You're very welcome, my friend." He rolls on out, and you sigh. It's been a long fucking two hours.


	2. Lunch Break

You squint at your computer screen, and you still don't get why it was all glowish. But it doesn't matter, because IT'S LUNCH BREAK, FOOLS! You stand up out of your cubicle, and you see a- girl? OHMYGODTIER. You fall back into your cubicle. She's gorgeous.  
"Everybody, meet Jade, my twin sister." It's your boss. YOU CAN'T LIKE YOUR BOSS'S SISTER!!!!!!  
STRIFE!  
No..  
AGGRIEVE!  
No!  
ABJURE!  
NOOOOO!  
SQUACK LIKE AN IMBECILE AND SHIT ON YOUR DESK!  
No, you idiot! Those are all things your boss would do!  
Oh gods. She's handing out muffins.  
Karkat: Retrieve blueberry muffin.  
No- Fine.  
You walk up to her… Oh my godtier… She's even prettier up close…  
"Hi! Want a muffin?"  
"Sure." She was perky, just not as in-your-face as Nepeta. Speaking of Nepeta…

"MUFFINS!!!!!!!!"  
Oh godtier.


	3. Chapter fucking 3, idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CG:// YOU FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT  
> CG:// FUCKLICKING INSUFFERABLE NOOKCRUNCH

"Muffins Muffins Muffins Muffins Muffins!" she says. She turns to you, two already jammed in her laughably oversized facehole. "Muffins?" she says, cocking her head, crumbs falling into her hair and onto her blouse, which is obviously from some cheap retail thrift store, and she obviously did NOT take the time to actually look at the good stuff. *ugh*

(shut up guys for whom it is physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically possible to be attracted to women can have a fucking fashion sense british people do it all the time you disgusting putrid seedflap you)

(shut up)  
(shutup)

(FUCKING SHUT UP, I SAY)

"Muffins Muffins Muffins?" she says. And then, she holds up her index finger as if to say 'just one second' and unfastens both of her boots, revealing a pair of obviously loved-to-death rainbow socks, which she carefully removes from her feet, places on her arms, and begin a sock-puppet show in which the dialogue consists entirely of the words 'muffin', 'muffins', and occasionally 'you insufferable bastard'. "Muffin muffin muffins?" she says with her right hand. "Muffin Muffins Muffins, you insufferable bastard!" replies the left. She winks at you signaling that the left hand is supposed to be you, while the right hand, which has an annoyingly bubbly personality, for a hand, is her.

Anyways, you find yourself pushing past her to get closer to this other girl human, this beautiful, fantastic GIRL human, and she looks at you, and she smiles.

(she FUCKING smiles)

And your heart melts onto your small intestine and jumps into your throat at the same time, and it hurts like fucking nonexistent fucking hell- no, like somebody threw you into lava (probably that Sollux bastard, or John, or Gamzee, that fucking piece of shit clown, which feels oddly... familiar?), but in a good way. In a really good way, like she took one of those muffins and heated it up with her- um- hotness

(shutup)

and shoved it down your throat.

(no, dude, that's really fucking weird)

(shutup)

(seriously,-)

(shutupshutupshutupshutup)

But- you kind of like how it feels. It actually feels REALLY good.

Is that weird?

(yes.)

(shutup) 

She frowns, signaling that you've definitely been staring at her for WAY too long.

(haha)  
(shutup)

(hahaha)  
(I said you should fucking shut up, Dave.)

wait who the hell is dave

Anyways, you look down to see that while your mind has been busy with your internal siri, your hands have been on autopilot, gathering up - you count - about, oh,  _all the goddamn muffins._ You scuttle away awkwardly, muffins cradled in your arms, realizing not only was she staring at you, the whole fucking office was, and not, of course, because you were staring at the only other somewhat attractive human being in the room, but because you had commandeered about eighteen muffins of every fucking variety, even though you only like the ones with the granulated sugar on top, which were all gone

(stupid fucking nepeta, taking all the goddamn muffins)

(I thought you did that)  
(shut up, dave)

wait who the hell is dave

You spend the rest of the day nepeta-ing in your inanely ridiculous swivel chair, chucking muffins at Sollux, simply because you have nothing else to say to or do with said muffins.

I mean, it's not like your gonna fucking eat them or some shit, that would be stupid.

Today, you decide, was a weird-ass day.


	4. Roomates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. You're here again? WHY  
> Author's note:  
> CG:// So, in this issue of office work, I introduce Tavros. I give the jist of his backstory, but at first, he will seem EXTREMELY off-canon. Bear with me- EVERYTHING will make more sense later.  
> CG:// Trust me.  
> Thanks for wading through my messy stream of consciousness,  
> The one and only, Dr. Homestuck.  
> The doctor is IN.

That night, you have the dream again, where she comes back to you. But you can't think of her yet you have to-

Kankri.

Dead.

You were always so protective of her, always, and then the one time, the one time you let her slip from your arms she's gone forever.

YOU killed her.

YOU killed your own little sister.

Her hand- it reaches out to you beckoning, and you try to grab it but it's too late and she falls, and she's falling and you can't catch her because she's gone, she's gone forever and-

"Wake the fuck up."

"What?"

"I said, fucking wake the fuck up." Your new roommate, Tavros, curses like a sailor.

(so do you)

(shutup)

You let it slip, though. You actually kind of feel bad for this guy. High school football star. Got hit by a car, lost his best friend, horribly crippled forevermore. You say nothing, just kind of scowl and roll off the bed like a burrito off a counter.

(nice simile, bro)

(FUCKING SHUT UP DAVE)

WHO THE HELL IS DAVE?

How did Tavros even get off his bed and into his wheelchair? He must be strong as fuck. You know he is, actually, sometimes he'll hoist himself out of his wheelchair, onto the counter, grab the ceiling, and them jump back into that goddamn wheelchair, just over and over and over. For hours. You don't even know what he does for work. You've never seen him outside of the apartment. Hell, as far as YOU know, he only eats protein bars and only drinks shiner bock, so...

Who the hell do you have living with you?

2


End file.
